Why I’m sometimes a slow learner…

After Claire and I separated she encouraged me to do some inner work because there were parts of me that weren’t constructive.

To an extent, I did. I resolved always to be myself and to be true to myself.

But here’s the catch…

What is true?

Is it the destructive parts? Is it the constructive parts? Is it the sad parts? Is it the happy parts?

I was ‘true’ to the parts I rated as ‘good’, the parts that aligned with the identity I had of myself.

And that meant ‘being true’ to the part of me that lives life on the edge.

And that ended up with me rolling my car with my partner Julia beside me.

That hit me to my core. I could have killed her. I could have killed people in an oncoming car. And if my kids had been in the car…

So, then it was really time to go deep.

I saw a psychologist and a psychiatrist, but they didn’t help. It felt like we were playing around at the level of the problem.

Then I went on a spiritual journey, reading books and speaking to people, and I began a practice of meditation.

This allowed me to do two things; open my heart and quiet my mind. And this allowed me to see that my ‘true self’ isn’t any of the identity stuff I make up about myself, it’s the part of me that observes all that. The part that’s always there but is nowhere to be found when you look for it.

And it’s brought with it more fulfillment, love and joy than I ever had before.

So, I might be a slow learner, but I’m certainly grateful for the eventual lesson.